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June 1st, 2005

01:08 am
NEIL: Will! Will! Will!
ME(WILL!): ugh??
NEIL: Do it again!
ME: no
JASON: Yeah, Will! Do it again!
ME: Ahhh... you guys are going to make me pass out
ME: Fine, fine... *I stick two cherries up both my nostrils... sniff really deeply... then BAM BITCHES!!! I SHOOT THOSE SUCKERS OUT CANNON BALL STYLE!!! they land perfectly in the waste paper basket sitting 2 feet away from me*
NEIL & JASON: *really happy*
ME: i need to sleep
JASON: i'm hungry
ME: eat some ketchup
NEIL: ewwww
JASON: the ketchup is old!
ME: ketchip doesn't get old
ME: no it's not
JASON: will!!! you haven't even seen it! the ketchup is old and grossy!
ME: no it's not
ME: i'm gonna smack you up side the head if you don't eat that ketchup
JASON: *giggle* OKAY!
NEIL: *snorty giggle* AHAHAHA!
ME: Ugh! What do you want to eat?
JASON: hot dog!
ME: you're a sick little kid, you know that?
JASON: no!!! hot dogs are good!
ME: you know what hot dogs are made out of?
ME: pig weenies
ME: that's right... ketchup is sounding pretty good now, huh?
ME: *i get up and go into the kitchen, browsing for food* there's umm... crackers... chips... HEY! SUGAR!
JASON & NEIL: *waddling crazily into the kitchen almost killing me with their crazy little grabby hands. god damn five year olds have crazy little hands!! they're fucking everywhere! like seriously!* I WANT SOME!
ME: hold on a second... are you supposed to have chocolate and marshmellows and WHOA! SOUR GUMMY WORMS?!
ME: hmm... hold on... *i pick up the phone and dial*
JESS: will?
JESS: oh god! is everything okay?
ME: YA! hey i'm wondering should they have sugar?
JESS: should twin boys have sugar? are you fucking kidding me?
JESS: no will. no.
ME: but... they're faces are soo... desperate
JASON & NEIL: *looking up at me, their eyes are glossy... they're little hands are stuffed into their little pockets... they're so little... they're so... CUTSIE!*
ME: awww, jess! they want some sugar! let me give them sugar!
JESS: will... you remember that time i let you play with my polly pocket set?
JESS: will, don't give them sugar...
ME: oooooh! i get it! hey, jason! neil! no sugar! have some... jess, what do i give them to eat?
JESS: something healthy
ME: marshmellows?
JESS: carrots
ME: oooh! boys! go eat some carrots!
JASON: You stink, will!
ME: too bad, go eat carrots!
NEIL & JASON: *slump and eat carrots*
ME: omg
JESS: huh?
ME: i hear a car, i have to go! i was supposed to put these little sillies into bed like... 2 hours ago!
JESS: oh jesus. go will. go! go!
ME: *i hang up the phone, i grab both of them, carrying them in one arm because i'm strong and manly... i lift them up into the air, throw them, and catch them with one hand again. then i run up the stairs, promise to give each of them 5 dollars if they pretend they're asleep and go back downstairs and turn the tv on... looking casual...*
PARENTS: Will! How'd it go?
ME: oh super. put them to bed a couple hours ago. they are truly AH-DOOR-ABBLE! just been sitting here watching tv *motion to the tv*
PARENTS: *look strangely at me* so... you enjoy watching... the gilmore girls?
ME: huh? OH! yes! i learn... from them... about... females... and women... and how wonderful they are...
PARENTS: *pause* WELL! thank you for being so wonderful with the kids and all, will! we'll call ya!
ME: boy! thanks!

... it was shit...
Current Mood: blankblank

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February 18th, 2005

04:00 pm
Someone trusted me to watch over their kids this past weekend... twins... twin boys... 5 years old or something... some parents actually thought 'hey i know who'd be a great babysitter! that retarded kid who always has his pants down!'

it started fine. i put aside my belly shirts and pink shirts with phrases like 'Princess' and 'Stop Staring At My Boobies', and instead put on a regular blue t-shirt and pants... and YES... i william bonky... wore a belt

PARENTS: Hey Will! You remember Jason and Neil? Boys, you'll be good for Will right?
JASON: *drool*
NEIL: *more drool*
ME: They're adorable. *cause that's what you're supposed to say about all children right? even if they look like demented potato heads*
PARENTS: Okay, Will, we'll be back sometime later tonight.
*note to self: when parents say the phrase 'we'll be back sometime later tonight... they mean as soon as they're done going to every fucking place in the town and maybe driving to sea world for a few hours too and then spend a half hour every now and then to laugh to themselves when they think of your sorry ass trying to put their kids to bed... that's right... you're screwed for the whole fucking night*
PARENTS: Boys be good! Jason! No code 4 okay?
*i have no idea what code 4 was, but my mind told me it was something horrible like having little jason throw poop at cars and do a few cartwheels while shooting at people*
JASON: Okay mommy
*the door closes... i am alone... with what i would soon find to be... that's right, satan's demon elf workers*
NEIL: AHAHAHA! AIRFORCE BATTLE! *he jumps off the couch and falls flat on the floor*
ME: HOLY SHIT! Neil!!! Dude, are you okay?!
NEIL: *gets up and clutches my leg and begins screaming at it* AHHH!!!
ME: Oh god... jesus! what the hell are you doing?!
JASON: AHHHHHH! *grabs my other leg and screams at it copying neil*
ME: GET THE HELL OFF OF ME! *i kick my legs up matrix style, hang there for a few seconds, spin and then land perfectly back on the floor with my arms up* WOO!
*both children stare at me with their eyes wide*
ME: okay you guys wanna go out and play catch?
ME: Well, what do you want to do?
*now i had been preparing myself for this, so i had caught up on all that weird ass pokemyman stuff... so i grinned and agreed*
*what i didn't realise was that 'digimon' is a lot like playing 'airforce battle' in which you climb on the couch, fall down, scream, and then do it all over again*
ME: um, guys? let's uh... let's not do that. *i wasn't used to seeing such mentally stupid actions take place that weren't being done by me. i was confused *
*and then i thought, wait a second, who actually has a brain and can talk very slowly so i can understand? JESS! i ran to the phone, all the while still hearing the echoes of jason and neil screaming and then thumping to the ground*
ME: JESS! oh dear fucking hell... JESS! I'M GOING INSANE HERE! THESE KIDS! THEY'RE... so... weird...
JESS: ... what are you doing? babysitting?
ME: YES! what do i do?!
JESS: ... you're babysitting?
JESS: ... someone asked you to babysit?
ME: YES! except there's like, no handbook or anything! why isn't there a handbook jess?! WHAT DO I DO?!
JESS: ... who the hell asked you to babysit?
ME: the neighbors in the yellow house!
JESS: ... are they stupid?
ME: well they asked someone whose named 'bonky' to babysit, they probably thought i was like one of those birthday clowns part time or something.
JESS: oh god will... well, okay, how many kids are there?
ME: two
JESS: one girl one boy? two girls? or two boys?
ME: do satan's children have genders?
JESS: boys?
ME: well i feel sorry for any girl named 'jason' or 'neil'
JESS: oh no... okay, will? what are they doing right now?
ME: ... um... *i peek in the livingroom* jason is slamming his fist into the coffee table and whoops, he just body slammed it again... uhh... neil is... gone. i don't know where neil is
ME: ... neil..
JESS: right, go find him!
ME: okay, stay on the line, i'll be right back!
*i run out through the kitchen, through the living room, take a right and out the back door*
ME: NED! oh god dammit, god damn jess... NEIL!!! NEIL!!!
JASON: he's over there will! *points to a cat being chased by a small child with a plastic nerf baseball bat*
ME: NEIL! *neil stops and runs towards me*
NEIL: will! i had to catch some din!
ME: what?! no i told you, i'm allergic to kitty. now get the hell inside!
*we all pile back inside and i lock the doors and place a chair in front of the sliding glass door*
ME: go play with a puzzel or something!
*i walk back into the kitchen to pick up the phone again*
ME: jess, it's okay... neil was just trying to kill a cat and eat it
ME: okay, i think i have it down right now... i'll call you back if i need more help.
JESS: wait!!! will! no! you don-
ME: love you too shnookie! bye bye!

... part two later....
Current Mood: touchedtouched

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January 19th, 2005

01:52 am
photo of the bonkman, try not to turn it into a dartboard yeah?
reason for the pink is a mystery... even to me...

I just returned from a rather quick vacation to the States. Kah-Lee-Fourn-Ya.
Not a big deal. I lived on cheeseburgers and spent my days pissing in the ocean, because seriously, what's cooler than taking a piss in the ocean? pulling your speedo over your head you say? psh, that is so yesterday, it's all about where you piss now and I can say with every ounce of pride in me 'i urinated in that ocean thing.'

i took my kitty with me... OMGZ!!!!!!1!!!4!! SO CUTSIE!!!!!!!!!!121!!!!!
i have officially named him skanky, although i have begun to take a rather fond liking to the name 'Turdass'
yet every time i try to get my strength together and face him man to man... he looks up at me with those big beautiful green eyes and gives out an innocent cry 'Mew'... and i feel my balls shrink and shrivel up and slowly let the 'Williametta Bonky' side of me come out while I go down on my knees and I find my voice in a higher pitch while i scratch Skanky's ears and ramble 'WHOSE MY WITTLE FURRY SHIT?! WHOSE MY WITTLE FURRY SHIT?! ooooh! dats right!!! you's my wittle furry shit!!'
damn that kitty
skanky spent his days hiding in my shoe and then every now and then getting out to play with the drawstring on my trunks. and somehow i got in trouble when i left for the beach with a cat swinging off a string hanging from my groin area. i found it appealing, the public eye shunned me. it's a sad sad world for william bonky.

jess was with me though, so she made people believe i actually had sense and a type of sanity in me. and we both let our jealously hang out in the open when we each got picked up and checked out by the same amount of the opposite sex. 4 males for her 4 females for me. although i won when a gay man told me i was a 'cutie'
... hmm... maybe i do have a future in the homosexual life after all...
relationships are fun when you get to be a strong man built on your own testosterone. because i'm neither strong and have the maturity of a puppy eating it's own shit, it comes off as a little retarded when i roll my sleeves up and pull my trousers up to my pecks. it just doesn't work for the bonkyman.
Current Mood: workingworking

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January 11th, 2005

02:22 am - The Januray William Bonky Christmas Special
It's all over. The holidays are over. Merriment is over. Jolly times are over. Fat men in red suits calling out to their hoes is over. The chill of winter tickling your nose is over, now it's just blowing your ass all over the place. And now you're sitting in front of your computer still pissed your mother fucking parents didn't buy you that hippo you saw at the zoo.
I celebrate Christmas. Not because I'm religous but because the thought of a fat man getting his ass stuck up a chimney makes me giggle.
I'm always the first one to wake up on Christmas morning, I run outside naked, do a few laps around the house, put the wreath on like a tutu, and dance my way through each room of my home. after about 2 hours i'm ready to take my christmas morning pee, and then i'm SET!
We'll all settle down in front of the heap of unopened presents and let the glittery sparkly paper reflect in our giddy eyes. Oh! The suspense!

And oh look, William got a video camera. Yay...

Wow, William got a check for 500,000 dollars and it comes with this extra reliable nose hair trimmer that has an attachable bikini area shaver thinger. Wow, let me try to contain my excitement...

Oh goodie, William got Playstation 6, and it's not even coming out until the year 3098. Boy, I sure am lucky...

Look William! It's the leprechaun from the lucky charms commericals that you said you always wanted! Look, we hunted him down in the freezing cold arctic for three months and caught him in a cage for you while we almost died from starvation! Look! He says that one line 'CATCH ME LUCKY CHARMS'! We even taught him how to pole dance! And he has a little green hat on! Aren't you happy?! gosh, i am soooo happy....

Oh, you're gonna like this William! We got your your own chinese take-out resturant! You can order chinese any time you want! We had to kill a baby seal and then sell the fur just so we could afford it for you! Look, your sister still can't look at herself in the mirror because she feels so ashamed. You must be so grateful! ... uh huh...


And that was the happily ever after ending to the story of my christmas festivites.

omg i so tricked you! HAHAHAHA! you thought i was an asshole who likes microwave popcorn huh?! I'M SO SNEAKY!
Merry Christmas, I'm not an asshole! I don't even like microwave popcorn! DAMN! santa was good to you this year! No asshole AND no asshole who likes microwave popcorn? Lucky sons of bitches!
(I apologise right now to anyone who doesn't celebrate christmas, please just cross out santa and write in something else. Thank you.)

I'll be updating more frequently now. All the family crap is over so i can breathe again.

And I am hear to announce publically that I am the proud new owner of a kitty.
OMG SO CUTSIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what to name him yet, so right now he's just... 'shitter'
i think i may name him 'skanky' just for the hell of it.
... if anyone has any ideas for a name for the kitten, it would be very much appreciated...
Current Mood: mellowmellow

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November 24th, 2004

09:04 pm
I miss Jess...
I hate this weepy shit... but i miss her...
she doesn't get back until winter holiday... bitch
UGH!!! i'm gonna go watch titanic and get in touch with my sensitive side. that leo is so dreamy. *sigh*
Current Mood: goodgood

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November 19th, 2004

11:20 pm - A Lecture by William Bonky
now... i've never been good with teachers. teachers have never been good with me.

in fact, i don't think there has been one teacher who has yet to make me actually sit down in class and shut the hell up. i get detention at least 5 times a week, fuck, i'm best buddies with the principle and the entire school staff. the teachers i'll be having next year already know my god damn name. and you know what else? detention ain't that bad. fuck, it's like you're own damn therapist session in there... without the dude actually writing shit down, which is even better... that way when you tell them about all the sons of bitches you've killed... THEY GOT NO PROOF

everyday something happens to spark my daily ritual of a teacher yelling 'WILLIAM! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO PROP YOURSELF ON THAT SCHOOL DESK IN SUCH A SEXUAL MANNER! GO OUT IN THE HALL!'
i do some really stupid crap, i can admit that. but the fact that these dumbasses still put me out in the hall, and think THAT'S going to settle me down is complete dickpiss. now, if i was a teacher, and some smart ass like me starting humping a desk, i'd smack that little shitter right upside the head and tell him to go dig me a hole until he finds me some fucking treasure.
that plan is brilliant. there's no downside to it. you tire him out... and you've got a new hole to plant a tree in. because i mean seriously!!! how many times a day do you think,
'goodness, i've got this great tree, but where am i going to put it?' YEAH! I THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME TOO! plus, if the little humper finds some treasure, YOU CAN BE A PIRATE!

but today, as i sat down for my normal talk-to-talk with Mr. Principle Man, and told him about my teaching methods... he said 'William, that's the stupidest idea i've ever heard' that's when it hit me- you can't trust anybody. not even your own Mr. Principle Man. because they're just gonna take your ideas and bite you in the ass with them. so then i called him a pigger-mutter, and dramatically stormed out of the room.
besides the fact that i was escorted back by the school secretary because my detention wasn't up yet, i think i hit that old bastard, emotionally, pretty hard.

There is one thing i do like about school though. lunch. lunch is cool. not only can you eat at lunch, but you can have a 45 minute piss in the bathroom WHILE eating.
but i just realized my girlfriend is knocking on my window, so i am going to continue this talk later.
happy easter
Current Mood: goodgood

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November 16th, 2004

11:54 am
i work at a coffee place part time.
secretly i'm a year too young to work there, but they thought i could help bring in costumers... plus the 30-year old manager does this weird thing with her eye every time she looks at me, which leads me to believe she wants to do me. and this one time, she was carrying a tray and the corner of it hit my ass, which so obviously means she was secretly using that as a way to pinch the junk in my 'trunk', without showing such inappropriate signs at work. i mean 'DUH' right?
yeah well, for some reason when i showed up to work the next day without pants on, to show her how okay it is to have a crush on me, she told me politely to put my trousers back on and to delicately undo my nametag on the crotch of my boxers and put it on my coffee apron.... which totally means 'we'll have a discussion about our deep feelings for each other later'
because what else does 'WILL... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! PUT YOUR PANTS ON!' mean?
yeah well, when i gave her the i-think-it-would-be-better-if-we-were-just-friends speech during the end of my break... she told me to "make that old fart at table 3 some tea and stop telling the customers to buy starbucks' food because the food here is 'full of shit and stuff'"
I MEAN GOD! i thought I took rejection bad! i was just trying to make the atmosphere at work more presentable and professional! then she had to do that thing, where she all of a sudden 'FORGETS' she's madly in love with me? i mean seriously! i'm so sick of women doing that to me... god, i'm not STUPID ya know!
Current Mood: goodgood

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November 15th, 2004

10:16 pm
I had just gotten home, sweat of excitement running down my forehead, while a big fat grin is plastered to my face. The cardboard box felt smooth in my fingers, and a sigh of relief flew from my lips.
you finally did it will. you finally bought it.
and as i stared at my new prized possesion with almost sexual satifaction...
the phone rings. i can't pick it up, not now. not after i've gotten the most beautiful thing to ever have graced this world... no... i cannot answer it...
it continues ringing.
my body tenses, close to reaching for the headset of hell that would most certainly draw me away from my new found heaven. and just before my fingers touch the smooth plastic surface of my phone... it stops.
silence overlaps me once again, and i am at peace with my unopened treasure.
then the stupid piece of shit starts ringing again.

Me: Hello?

Jess: Hey Will.

Me: ... (stares longingly at my package, still waiting to be opened)... hi...

Jess: Is everything okay?

Me: it's wonderful jess. picture fucking perfect!

Jess: you seem distracted.

Me: how bout that...

Jess: Will, what's wrong?

Me: What's wrong Jess? WHAT'S WRONG?! i just bought a little piece of heaven, and i'm stuck here doing nothing but staring at it with watering eyes! my life... the life i have led that has always seemed to be missing a piece of the puzzle, and at last i reach the very well-being of my perfection... i am forced to do nothing but stare at it, because you're on the phone.

Jess: Will, i'll call you back later then... what'd you get?

Me: I do not think such words can be heard in your ears. they are too pure.

Jess: Tell me!

Me: are you sure you can handle this Jess?

Jess: ... yes... tell me

Me: .. i bought...

Jess: Yes..?

Me: ... a drill

Jess: .....

(it stays silent for about 3 minutes)

Jess: ..... a drill?

Me: YES! i bought a drill

Jess: you bought a drill?

Me: I bought a drill, Jess

Jess: And your life has changed?

Me: I am now complete

Jess: Will... you said that when you bought Charmin Ultra toilet paper

Me: THAT! my dear Jess, was only a piece of the puzzle. and i still feel everylasting glory as the smooth fluff hits my buttocks as though the tears of angels were weeping for the softness of my asscheeks.

Jess: Will, what are you going to do with a drill?

Me: AHAHAHAHAA! Jess... you have so much to learn in this world... why, i am going to drill holes with it, my young one.

Jess: You bought a drill so you could drill holes?

Me: Yes

Jess: I'm going to go now.

Me: Goodbye! My young pupil!

Jess: Bye Will.

She loves me so much
Current Mood: goodgood

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November 14th, 2004

02:27 am - Halle Berry can kiss my ass
You know when you get that really bad feeling and you just don't want life to go on anymore?
Like, when a person comes up to you pissed drunk and just sticks their tongue down your throat, and you can smell liqour and get tastes of crusted puke scraped across the sides of their mouth. And you start getting that gag reflex but their tongue is still lodged completely in your throat so your very humbly pushing them away, but they're just completely latched on so you're stuck making out with this person for the next 15 minutes... and in the back of your brain you're going 'dear god fucking shoot me'?
Have you seen Catwoman?
Because that seems to have been the feeling I had through that whole god awful bitch slapped movie.
Not only was I dragged to this piece of shit, but I had eat nachos and fake movie theater cheese while watching it.
Now listen to me... very very closely...
don't miss a word of this...
.. alright here we go...
.... you see this movie, i'll kill you ...
got that?
you will thank me, trust me. i expect calls from all of you telling me what a saviour i am, and how i am the next jesus christ. i'm just expecting it.
i have no idea what happened in this movie, i have no idea what the point of this movie was, and most importantly, neither did it. it was so full of shit it had nothing else better to do but ooze the shit out into the audience and into everyone's brain.
i walked out of that theater dumber than when i came into it.
and as the end credits began rolling, while my sisters and i stared blankly at the movie screen... i found i could only say one thing...
'what the fuck was that?'
in the end kiddies...
when you see a preview involving nothing but a chick in some god awful unbonerific leather outfit while she dances around twirling a little whip... the movie is gonna suck.
hollywood... KISS MY ASS
Current Mood: goodgood

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November 13th, 2004

04:47 pm - Stupid People- Episode 1
I hate stupid people. I really really do.
I hate them with a passion.
And I especially hate it when stupid people believe themselves to be smart. Because in all fairness, they are just stupid and refuse to accept it.
I'm not any better. I'm probably the biggest dumbass on the planet, with my tap dancing donuts and my stupid screensaver that is merely a picture of a turkey with a hat on it... i'm probably the king of all dumbasses actually... but i can accept that and still pass my fucking english class
but lets look at the stupid people who don't realize they're stupid when in fact they're so stupid they can't even see their stupidity.
Person #1- OH LETS CALL HER DEBBIE!!! and i swear it's just complete coincidence that my mother's best friend is named debbie and just so happens to be one of these stupid people who are so stupid that they can't see their stupidity... *cough*
I don't know why she has a southern accent. She's had a southern accent since I've known her, and what I know she's lived in Canada her whole life. Yes people, she's a dumbass.
This is a real quote from her. I swear to god, I wrote it down right in front of her and everything, she's so stupid she doesn't realise it.
After my mother questions her on the abuse of animals.
"OH WELL! you see Meryl! It's all about the animal's state of mind it is! You give em jello and they'll think it's a basket of caramel!!! Oh!! HAHAHAHAHA..." she laughs for about 5 minutes, the rest of my household is silent and staring at her, (she doesn't realise this) "... but any way, i think if you hit an animal they'll take it as a compliment. They don't know the difference now do they?"
I have no idea what she's talking about. I have no idea what point she's trying to make. In fact, I don't think she even knows. She's so stupid, she just says the first words that come out of her mouth, in this case it was 'jello' and 'caramel'...
To ask why my mother brings her over for dinner... i really couldn't tell you. i think it's more to do with the fact we have someone to make fun of at the end of the day, and to make us thankful for what we have.
God Bless Debbie
Current Mood: goodgood

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